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Booty Calling!

By admin
Posted on 9 Aug, 2020
Booty Calling!

Can women enjoy having no-strings-attached sex, or will we always hop for an emotional connection?

You wrench open your eyes after a boozy night, instantly craving a liter of coffee and a long shower. You wrestle what you think is the cat off the bed and come face to face with Dave. The friend with benefits you SMSed last night (U busy?) after vodka number four. And there it is: that queasy “What was I thinking?” feeling.
Talking about the morning alter her latest sexual misadventure, Wendy, 29, an occupational therapist from Cape Town, says, ‘I just wanted to get him out of my house. I know that when I’m drunk I’m likely to alleviate my loneliness by looking for affection in sex, when what I actually want is love. Yet I do it again and again.’

Nicole, 30, a writer from Johannesburg, is more pragmatic. I tried the booty-call-sex thing once, she says. It turned into a relationship because I felt so guilty about only wanting sex. But sometimes you just need a shag, and if someones willing to help you out, fabulous.

In the age of HIV, we’re not talking about random sex but rather sex with a sex buddy”, says Sherone, 27, a journalist from Durban. Sometimes you just need someone for that and nothing else. Even in the conservative Indian community, girls are capable of hook-up sex. It’s the guys who get all emo on you!

Booty Call

Hook- up epidemic?

Chances are that you’ve probably hooked up at least once – whether with a friend or a stranger, whether it was planned or impromptu, and whether you understood beforehand that it was a one-off or not. And after that sewing of casual sex, some of us will have experienced deep post-orgasm regret as intimately as we would experience a morning- after hangover. Others will have experienced total post-orgasm non- regret, as Melissa, 32, an auditor from Johannesburg, quips. Newspapers and magazines are full of stories about students who belong to casual-sex rings – and even distribute evidence of them via MXit and Youtube. Think of the recent Jules High School controversy in Johannesburg. Further afield, hooking up is so much a part of popular culture in the US that a reporter from The Washington Post, Laura Sessions Stepp, wrote a book about the phenomenon, titled Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, And Lose At Both (Penguin).

She called the hook-up culture the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced, pointing out that a lack of concrete sex rules and regulations often left women confused about what exactly they should be getting out of sex.
it seems that our generation cannot delay gratification, says Johannesburg sexologist Dr Bernard Levinson.

I recently went to a photography exhibition where 95% of the artists had used digital cameras and taken instant snaps that were artistically okay. Only five percent worked in a darkroom with their photography as an art. I don’t know how many people are having casual sex, but ofien we just want to press one button and say, wow! Instant sex is like that. Loving relationships are not – they mean taking the long way around.

is hook – up sex bad for you? Another Johannesburg sexologist, Dr Lorraine Becker, dismisses the stories that are making headlines as isolated clusters of events and says that instead of having rampant shag tests, we’re actually becoming more careful about hook-ups because of the dangers of unwanted pregnancy, HIV! Aids and other STDs. She condemns the hook-up. It’s pointless. It’s not about getting what you need. If you need an orgasm, buy a vibrator! And in her book Stepp says upfront that she thinks hook-up sex is bad for women – it denies otu’ natural tendency to become emotionally involved with our sex buddies. Women are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again, she writes.

Is hook-up sex bad for you?

Sexologist, Dr Lorraine Becker, dismisses the stories that are making headlines as isolated clusters of events and says that instead of having rampant shag tests, we’re actually becoming more careful about hook-ups because of the dangers of unwanted pregnancy, HIV! Aids and other STDs. She condemns the hook-up. It’s pointless. It’s not about getting what you need. If you need an orgasm, buy a vibrator!
And in her book Stepp says upfront that she thinks hook-up sex is bad for women – it denies our natural tendency to become emotionally involved with our sex buddies. Women are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again, she writes.

In 2008, Professor Aime Campbell of Durham University in the UK polled 1743 men and women about their feeling after having had casual sex. According to a report on sciencedaily.com, 80% of the men polled reported feeling good about their experience afterwards, as opposed to 54% of the women.
Campbell’s conclusion was that, no matter how much sexual freedom and equality we have achieved, many women still feel uncomfortable with one-night stands because we have not evolved past the desire to find (and settle down with) a stable, high-quality male to father our offspring.

But for each evolution-based argument against casual sex (a woman is naturally monogamous because she needs to retain one high-quality mate who can be reasonably sure that her offspring are his), another has evolved in the opposite direction: Women need to have casual sex because sleeping with many fertile men is more likely to get them pregnant; Women are wired to seek sex with a high-quality male and bag his genes even if he doesn’t stick around for breakfast…

Pretoria urologist Dr Shingai Mutambirwa explains that emotional
turmoil after casual sex could be the result of the opposing amounts of noradrenaline and oxytocin (the so-called love hormone) secreted by the sexes. Women release only a little noradrenaline, men release lots; women release a lot of oxytocin, men release (surprise, surprise) very little. They’re ready to flee after sex if required (otherwise they’re going to sleep); we still want to cuddle.

Women may be closer to achieving gender equality than ever before, but that equality is usually equated with doing things the male way – for example, to succeed in the workplace, many feel we must behave like men. Transpose this attitude into our sex lives and you get a generation of women expected to behave like one of the boys and take casual sex in our stride.
Not all of us can. In fact, all the women polled for this article claimed that their hooking up had been (or is) temporary behavior: a phase before they met or hoped to meet Mr Right. None of them aspired to a life of hook-ups.

Hook-up hazards

Can we enjoy casual sex for its own sake, or are we confused at best and dishonest at worst about our motives? Do we secretly hope that each random encounter will magically tum into the great love of our lives?

Many women do indulge in casual sex when they secretly crave love and affection, says Becker. Are you one of them? When you hook up, do you choose the guy – or do you wait to be chosen by pretty much any guy in the club? Do you feel so grateful for attention you’ll sleep with almost anybody? Are you sometimes the predator or only ever the prey?

If your promiscuity comes from a place of low self-esteem, it may be time to consider whether your hook-ups spring from your hang-ups. After years of hook-ups, I looked back and realized an unhappy childhood and parents whose love I craved drew me into angry, vengeful, reject-you-first sex with near-strangers, says Christine, 8-5, an accounts clerk from Johannesburg. In retrospect, it was horrible. Melissa admits that when it comes to her booty calls, alcohol is almost always involved, and although I dont often regret sleeping with someone, l do wonder if my decisions to do so may be compromised. So we tend to get wasted and kid ourselves we can override biology; that we’re capable of meaningless sex. Or we infuse one-night encounters with more meaning than they can carry – only to be disappointed. We might feel empty, depressed, guilty or disgusted afterwards. Even if we suffer no qualms, there are other dangers: STDs, alcoholism, drug addiction. Future relationships may suffer, too. Levinson warns that sex that is handed out casually loses its meaning, which is hard to recapture even for subsequent relationships. “Fucking” does not easily become loving again, he says.

Is post-orgasm regret inevitable?

But casual sex can have meaning, says Levinson. It can reaffirm to you, tell you that you’re still wanted, you’re still alive Just go into it with your eyes open. Tm definitely more likely to try things during a hook-up I wouldn’t try in the early days with someone I view as a potential long-term partner, says Melissa I can act out fantasies and talk dirty without worrying about whether or nor I’m being judged. I feel less self-conscious about my body – if he doesn’t like what he sees then too bad! – which means I’m likely to try different positions without worrying how fat my butt looks Whether you booty-call or not is, well, your call. In the end only you know what’s right for you.

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